You're so dumb ...

 

Back in the day, ex-partner and mentor Tom Dombrosky and I had a major client who liked to “hold court”, bringing in his management team and us (his “advertising team”) together for a weekly discussion on sales and marketing in his massive, richly appointed office.

He was one of our biggest clients, so we would dutifully show up, sit quietly, nod, and take notes as he pontificated, rarely letting anyone else speak unless they where being called out for what he liked identify as “a dumbass move that made me wonder what the fuck he was using for a brain.”

He liked Tom and me and we were seldom targeted except to back up his calling someone out by turning our direction and saying something along the lines of “Dumb as a Pollack, huh, Dombrosky?” There was no reason to respond. He was too busy laughing at his “joke”.

He was a self-centered, know-it-all bully. But we needed the billing and the prestigious name of his business on our client list.

During one of these “meetings”, Tom caught my eye and then looked down at his notebook where he had written: “If his brain was dynamite, there wouldn't be enough to blow his nose.”

I almost laughed out loud … which would have been a major faux pas by drawing attention to myself, thus setting myself up as a target.

Next week, I did the same to Tom with: “Does his asshole ever get jealous of the shit that comes out of his mouth?”

So it became a weekly thing where we would each prepare an insult that we’d use to try to make the other laugh at an inopportune time.

That was a long time ago and I can’t remember all the insults we traded … but I do know how to search the internet … so … here are a bunch insults reminiscent of those Tom and I used to share via pen and paper back in the pre-digital days:

• I see you’ve set boundaries between yourself and common sense.
  
  
• You have a unique way of speaking that makes people truly appreciate your silence.
  
  
• I truly admire your courage to speak in the vast absence of knowledge.
  
  
• You possess a mind that is completely unburdened by the complications of thought.
  
  
• As an outsider what’s your view on intelligence?
  
  
• You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.
  
  
• I'd call you an idiot, but that would be an insult to idiots everywhere.
  
  
• Your brain must feel so lonely, with all that empty space to itself.
  
  
• You should get two paychecks. One for what you’re worth and then another one to bring you back up to minimum wage.
  
  
• Wisdom is chasing you but God blessed you with speed.
  
  
• You look so much smarter than you are.
  
  
• You’re the type of person who would climb a glass wall just to see what was on the other side.
  
  
• I love that you don’t let facts get in the way of your opinions.
  
  
• I know you tried your best, that’s what makes it so disappointing.
  
  
• It is very hard to underestimate you.
  
  
• I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
  
  
• Intelligence is chasing you, but you are faster.
  
  
• I love how committed you are to your limitations.
  
  
• Anytime I think I am failing in life, I remember that you exist.
  
  
• I’m trying to understand your point of view, but my frontal lobe is developed.
  
  
• Besides the obvious, what would you change about yourself?
  
  
• I envy the people who don’t know you.
  
  
• I wish I could bottle common sense and prescribe it to you in pill form.
  
  
• You’re a walking reminder that thinking is optional.
  
  
• Your learning curve must be a circle.
  
  
• A douche of your magnitude could cleanse a whale’s vagina.
  
  
• I’m trying so hard to see this from your perspective, but I can’t seem to get my head that far up my rear end.
  
  
• I brains were measured in cotton, you’d have enough to make a tampon for a flea.
  
  
• You're proof that evolution can go in reverse.
  
  
• You have so many talents that no one would think of wanting.
  
  
• If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
  
  
• You're not the dumbest person on Earth, but you'd better hope that person doesn’t die.
  
  
• Whatever you're thinking, stop. It's not helping anyone.
  
  
• You're living proof that even natural selection takes a day off sometimes.
  
  
• Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. You just gargled.
  
  
• Your train of thought doesn't seem to have a station.
  
  
• You have such a unique way of misunderstanding things.
  
  
• I'd explain it slower, but I'm afraid we'd both die of old age first.
  
  
• It must be so peaceful inside your mind.
  
  
• I can explain it to you, but I cannot understand it for you.
  
  
• You're the human equivalent of a participation trophy.
  
  
• If stupidity were a currency, you'd be a billionaire.

• It must be so freeing not to be saddled with the burden of comprehension.
  
  
• I don’t want to argue with you and have to explain all the big words I have to say.
  
  
• Somewhere there’s a tree out there providing you oxygen. Find it and apologize.
  
  

Are we teaching our kids to memorize or to understand?

 

How to survive the classroom: grind through a textbook and try to memorize just enough to survive the next test.

The classroom doesn’t prepare students for the real world. Because the real world doesn’t hand out standardized exams.

Outside of school, success isn’t just about recall … it’s about understanding. If you have to memorize something, chances are you don’t really understand it yet. And when you truly understand an idea, memorization is a by-product, because you can use it, explain it, and apply it in new situations.

_________________________

NOTE: Don’t blame teachers. If they’re evaluated and paid based on standardized test scores, the system dictates the outcome: teaching to memorize, not to think.

When Things Were Allowed to Just Be Things

 

The other day I tried to read an article online and got interrupted by a pop-up asking me to accept cookies, subscribe to a newsletter, disable my ad blocker, create an account, and verify that I’m not a robot.

I wasn't surprised. It feels about right for the era. Everything now requires a password, an app, a subscription, or a small surrender of dignity. We were promised technology would simplify life. Instead it turned ordinary activities into airport security … and makes me long for simpler times.

I don’t think I’m nostalgic in the way people usually mean it. I’m not sitting around polishing a jukebox or wishing we still used telegrams. Half the old stuff was inconvenient, ugly, or smelled faintly of lead paint. But I do miss a time when the world had less insulation between you and ordinary life.

You bought a thing and you owned the thing. End of relationship.

Somewhere along the line we stopped letting things simply exist. Your television wants software updates. Your smart watch is disappointed in you. And everything comes with an app or login screen, like we’re all trying to enter a mediocre nightclub managed by a password prompt. Simplicity has left the building and now every purchase is an experience, a platform, a brand, a pipeline, or a personal journey.

Maybe that’s why the world feels exhausting. Nothing is allowed to be quiet anymore.

I miss when things were allowed to just be things.

6 Tips for Marketing Writing That Doesn’t Suck

We’ve all seen it. That Frankenstein monster of corporate “content” stitched together from jargon, buzzwords, and the tears of unpaid interns. It lumbers across the internet, moaning things like “synergize your ROI streams” and “facilitating growth opportunities.”

And … we close the tab.

Don’t be that writer. Nobody wants to read a white paper that feels like homework. If your marketing copy doesn’t make people yawn, scroll, or punch their monitor, you’re already ahead of the pack. Here’s how to keep your words alive, awake, effective, and maybe even fun.

1. Write Like You’re Talking to a Human (Preferably One You Like)

Pretend you’re explaining your thing to a buddy over beers. Not a boardroom. Not a hostage negotiation. A buddy. If it feels like you’re writing a eulogy for software, stop. Start over.

Shortcut: Literally write, “Hey [friend’s name], did you know…” and then just let it rip. You can delete the “Hey Steve” later, but that tone? That’s the good stuff.  

2. If You Wouldn’t Say It In a Conversation, Torch It

Do you actually say words like “utilize” in real life? No, you say “use.” The second you start sprinkling in “facilitate,” “robust,” or “synergy,” you sound like a malfunctioning TED Talk robot.

Bad: “We facilitate growth through innovative strategies.”

Good: “We help you grow with smart strategies.”

One sounds human. The other sounds like a ransom note.

3. Read It Out Loud (And Cringe Accordingly)

Your brain lies to you. It tells you that your 34-word sentence is smooth jazz when really it’s a Yoko Ono interpretive interlude. Read it out loud. If you trip over it, your reader will too. Rewrite until it feels like something you’d actually say.

Before: “Our team leverages cross-platform synergy to maximize ROI.”

After: “We make sure your brand shows up wherever your customers are, so you get the most bang for your buck.”

See? Less “leverage.” More life.

4. Stop Marathoning Your Sentences

A sentence should not feel like a triathlon. If you’re gasping for air halfway through, your reader’s already gone. Break it up. Short. Punchy. Done.

Before: “Our new app offers a range of features designed to streamline workflows, enhance productivity, and ensure optimal user satisfaction by delivering seamless integration across multiple platforms.”

After: “Our new app helps you work smarter. It streamlines workflows. It boosts productivity. It plays nice with your other tools.”

See how much easier that is to swallow?

5. Bring Yourself to the Party

People don’t want to talk to a brand. They want to talk to you. Opinions, stories, jokes … whatever makes you sound less like a voicemail from Comcast, use it.

Boring: “Our customer service team is always available to help you.”

Better: “Got a question at 2 a.m.? We’ve got your back. Our support team basically runs on caffeine and panic.”

Your personality is the difference between “eh” and “hell yes.”

6. Kill Corporate Buzzwords

Buzzwords are marketing’s cigarette butts. They’re everywhere. They stink. And they make you look lazy.

Trash: “Let’s circle back on that low-hanging fruit and leverage cutting-edge solutions.”

Treasure: “Let’s talk later. We use the latest tools to get the job done.”

Simple. Clear. And you won’t make your readers throw up in their mouths.

 

Good marketing writing isn’t about sounding smart. It’s about being clear, being human, and, dare I say, not sucking. Write like a person, cut the crap, and remember: nobody’s ever said, “Wow, I loved that brand’s synergy.”

Now get out there and make words people actually want to read.