Can You Relate?

I had to write to the teacher when one of my children missed a day of school.

It was my daughter, Caroline, who was then in the second or third grade.

I was having my breakfast one morning when she appeared with her lunch box, her rain slicker, and everything, and she said, “I need an absence note for the teacher and the bus is coming in a few minutes.”

She gave me a pad and a pencil; even as a child she was very thoughtful.

So I wrote down the date and I started, Dear Mrs. So-and-so, my daughter Caroline…and then I thought, No, that’s not right, obviously it’s my daughter Caroline.

I tore that sheet off, and started again.

Yesterday, my child . . .

No, that wasn’t right either. Too much like a deposition.

This went on until I heard a horn blowing outside. The child was in a state of panic.

There was a pile of crumpled pages on the floor, and my wife was saying, “I can’t believe this. I can’t believe this.”

She took the pad and pencil and dashed something off.

I had been trying to write the perfect absence note. It was a very illuminating experience.

Writing is immensely difficult.

The short forms especially.


That's how American novelist E.L. Doctorow responded to George Plimpton's question about the most difficult thing for a writer to write.

Kicking Butt in Restaurant Marketing

We were right next door to the Villa d'Este Restaurant. The smell of garlic being sautéed in butter would sneak into our tiny ad agency.

Convenient, 'cause when my partner Tom and I would work late, which was just about every night, we could be seated by the host/owner in minutes after realizing how hungry we were.

And the food. Nino, the diminutive chef with only a few words of English ... his cooking was incredible. His Chicken Saltimbocca could bring a tear to the eye of the most discerning gourmand.

One evening, Tom called the owner over to our table and said, "We love the food. You guys should have more customers. How 'bout we trade marketing and advertising for meals?"

It was a good deal. The restaurant got busier. Our cash flow improved and we loosened our belts a notch.

And a buzz about our agency started circulating in local restaurants. We started doing a brisk business with menu re-writes/redesigns, logos, signage, and ad concepts/production/placement.

We learned a fair amount about the restaurant business. Probably the most important was "Cash in advance. No exceptions."

As the demand for our services grew in this sector, we developed a 15-point checklist we we'd use in "secret shopper" visits before meeting with owners to determine whether or not we would pursue the business. If the restaurant got too many bad grades, we'd pass, knowing  that it had issues that marketing and advertising couldn't fix.

If you're working with local restaurants, or want to, maybe our checklist will come in handy:

1. Booking experience (easy? friendly? welcoming? relaxed? quick? helpful?) 

2. Signage (visibility? legibility? branding? inviting? explanatory?) 

3. Parking lot (inviting? littered? building and landscaping condition?)

4. Restaurant cleanliness (dirty surfaces? smell? in disrepair? neglected?)

5. Restroom conditions (clean? fresh? maintained?)

6. Tabletop: glasses, silverware (clean? spotless? matching? worn?)

7. Menus (design? readability? descriptive? old? stained? torn?)

8. Menu offerings (too many pages? too many items? profit items not highlighted? specials?)

9. Theme: consistent or inconsistent (e.g., French restaurant inside, Florida beach themed patio outside, Italian entrees on the menu or Irish pub decor, Indian cuisine)

10. Management, host/hostess, wait staff engagement (welcoming? bored? attentive? trained? flexible?)

11. Kitchen (clean? organized? chaotic? loud? out-of-control?) 

12. Wait time for food and course delivery pacing (short? long? unacceptable?)

13.  Orders (correct? delivered to the correct guest?)

14. Food presentation (appetizing? messy? attractive arrangement on plate?)

15. Food (portion size? taste? smell?)

The more we made good restaurants busier, the stronger our reputation became. And word got out to owners of other local businesses, and our little shop got bigger. 

The moral of the story: If you want marketing and advertising to work, start with a good product that provides a positive impression on/experience for the targeted consumer.

Could've, Would've, Should've

 

Kodak could have been the global leader in digital cameras.

But they didn’t think that was the way of the future.

Blockbuster could have been the global leader in online video streaming.

But they didn’t think that was the way of the future.

Nokia could have been the global leader in smartphones.

But they didn’t think that was the way of the future.

The lesson?

You are not your customer.

Always immerse yourself in what they want.

Or get left behind.

A Beard Story

The decision for the clean-shaven look was not a decision.

About 2 years ago, I shaved off my beard.

I hadn’t been beardless for 20 years or so.

This is not my chin. No photographs of my naked face were taken.

But 2 years ago, I exposed my face with an easily avoidable trimming incident that made me feel like an idiot. A beardless idiot. 

My kids had never seen my chin. I had a beard when I proposed to my wife and when I said, "I do".

My family was gonna ask, “Why?”

If ever there was a time for spin, this was it. 

When we do something potentially embarrassing, such as an inept attempt at facial hair trimming (which until that day I had done successfully a few times a week for a couple of decades), we want to tell the story -- or spin it -- in a way that puts us in the best light. 

Spin Doctor sez: I meant to do that.

I'm glad I don't have to do that in my family.

When they asked, I told 'em the truth: That I forgot to put the attachment on my beard trimmer and had carved a hairless swath from just under my left nostril to the center of my jawline.

Unfixable.

No choice but to continue until my face was fully exposed. To the elements. To the eyes of both friends and strangers.

What about the spin?

I have neither the time nor the appetite for that bullshit. 

There were some laughs at my expense. I couldn't help laughing, too.

It took a couple of weeks for the beard to grow back (I’m a hirsute fellow).

So, the beard is back.

And I’ve been less cavalier with my trimmer.

_________________________

This post was partly inspired by one of the coolest beards in the business: the one that occupies the chin of Bryce Main who wrote: Does Having a Beard Make Me a Better Writer?

Bryce Main