Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

I've always hated that question in job interviews.

You, too? Here are a few suggestions that will liven up the interview. It might not move your name to the top of list of candidates, but you'll stand out from the pack.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

"Well, I see myself having successfully embezzled the office supplies budget, undergone emergency dental work to obscure my bite records, and relocated to a modest villa in Paraguay where I’ll breed miniature horses. I'm thinking I'll go by Douglas. Very trustworthy name, Douglas."

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

"In five years, I anticipate having converted my entire retirement portfolio into rare Swiss watches, orchestrated a convincing drowning accident during a ferry crossing in the Baltic Sea, and obtained a suspiciously authentic-looking aristocratic title. I'll begin living as the mysterious recluse, Viscount Kaisersdorf, in a crumbling estate somewhere in rural Austria. I'll wear a monocle unironically, correspond exclusively via telegram, and develop strong opinions about brandy. The locals will whisper about me at the village market."

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

"I envision myself having successfully liquidated my stock options into unmarked bearer bonds, staged a convincing mugging in Buenos Aires, and resurfaced in Montenegro as Professor Langley, a semi-retired botanist with a suspicious lack of verifiable academic credentials. I'll develop a slight limp and an encyclopedic knowledge of rare ferns. Very distinguished."

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

"Five years from now? I'll have transferred my HSA funds to an offshore account in the Caymans, disappeared during a suspiciously foggy hiking trip in the Scottish Highlands, and reinvented myself as Madame Rousseau, a reclusive antique clock restorer in rural Portugal. I'm thinking severe bob haircut and an inexplicable collection of vintage typewriters. No one questions a woman obsessed with grandfather clocks."

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

"Realistically, I see myself having siphoned my performance bonuses into precious gemstones, vanished while allegedly pursuing a spiritual awakening at a Tibetan monastery, and rematerialized in coastal Croatia as Captain Henrik, a grizzled sailboat charter operator with a mysterious past and an unconvincing Scandinavian accent. I'll tell inconsistent stories about my years in the merchant marine. People love that."

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

"In five years, I hope to have converted my 401k into gold bullion, faked a dramatic food poisoning incident during a company retreat in the Azores, and emerged in Uruguay as a mysterious artisanal cheese consultant named Dmitri Bronson. I'll wear a lot of linen. Maybe get deeply into birdwatching. The key is committing to the bit." 

Can you guess which one I actually used in an interview? 

That interview, by the way, led to a job offer. But understand, I had sized up the interviewer and was pretty sure they would appreciate the off-the-wall answer from someone looking to fill a position that required more than a corporate suit reciting the variations of the typical, expected response. 

It should also be known that I wasn't overly anxious to land the job and figured if I blew it with a smartass answer (however calculated), I'd at least have a good story to tell when I got booted from the office.