As the new year rapidly approaches, I thought I'd place my tongue firmly in my cheek and counter all the positive inspirational and aspirational offerings with some cynicism for the less bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
“If you never believe in yourself, you’ll never let yourself down.”
“Try hard and don’t worry if you fail because everyone expected that.”
“Every dead body on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person, so… maybe calm down.”
“Your life can’t fall apart ... you never had it together.”
“If life doesn’t break you today, don’t worry. It will try again tomorrow.”
“It could be that your purpose in life is
to serve as a warning to others.” - Ashleigh Brilliant
“Life hack: You can’t do anything wrong if you don’t do
anything at all.”
“Life better be a destination because this journey sucks.”
“You’re naturally funny because your life is a joke.”
“According to the science of astronomy, when you wish upon a star, you’re actually a few million years too late. That star is dead. Just like your dreams.”
“Whoever sang, ‘Ooh-ooh, child things are gonna get easier’ was lying to that child.”
“If at first, you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit.
No use being a damn fool about it.” - W.C. Fields
“Just because we accept you as you are doesn’t mean we haven't abandoned hope you’ll improve.”
“Every day is a new chance for you to screw up again.”
"Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.”
“It will probably get worse.”
“Go ahead, let your dreams punch you in the face.”
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.” - Alan Dundes
“Those who doubt your ability probably have a valid reason.”
“There’s always someone on YouTube that can do it better
than you.”
“People who say they’ll give 110% don’t understand how percentages work.”
“The meaning of life is to find your gift. So good luck with that.”“No one in charge of your happiness but you. But should you really be put in charge of anything?”
“Everyone has a purpose in life.
Perhaps yours is watching television” – David Letterman
“Be the bridge – that way we can walk all over you on our way to better places.”
“Meetings – None of us is as dumb as all of us.”
“If you never try anything new, you’ll miss out on many of life’s great disappointments”“You’re too old to be this stupid.”
“Coffee doesn’t love you back.”
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.” - Albert Einstein
“Give yourself an A for Average.”
“Monday hates you too.”
“Failure is always an option.”
“Dream big. Then settle.”
“When the going gets tough, the tough gets tougher.”
“A thousand-mile journey starts with one step. Then again,
so does falling in a ditch and breaking your neck.”
“This too shall pass ... and come back worse.”
“Will it be easy? Nope. Worth it? Absolutely not!”
“The first step toward failure is trying.”
“Not everything is a lesson. Sometimes you just fail.”
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
“Every tattoo is temporary because we’re all slowly dying.”
“You can be replaced.”
“Your dog only loves you because you have food.”
“You put the ace in disgrace.”
“There’s no limit to what you can be if you lie to yourself.”
“The only reason some people get lost in thought is that
it’s an unfamiliar territory.” – Paul Fix
“Today is the first day of the rest of your life. But so was
yesterday, and look how that turned out.”
“It’s not just Monday. Your whole life sucks.”
“When work feels overwhelming, remember that you’re going to die.”
“Your dumb ass knew better and your dumb ass still did it.”
“You’re the human equivalent of a typo.”
“If you want to make God laugh,
tell him about your plans.” –
Woody Allen
“Until you spread your wings, you’ll have no idea how far you can walk.”
“When you think you’re screwed, remember we’re all on a big,
wet ball floating in the dark.”
“Be yourself, everyone else is already a twat.”
“Before you judge someone else, try to keep in mind that you’re probably a piece of s–t too.”
“If you’re happy and you know it no one cares.”
“Always remember that you are absolutely unique.
Just like everyone else.” - Margaret Mead
“Today is the first day of the rest of your life. But so was
yesterday, and look how that turned out.”
“Just because you are unique doesn't mean you are useful.”
“Prove them wrong. Show them how much worse you are than what they think you actually are.”
“Happiness is just a lack of information.”
“The key to happiness is low expectations. Lower. Nope, even lower. There you go.”
“I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure
I can repeat them exactly.” – Peter Cook
“The only thing all of your failures have in common is you.”
“There is always room in your life to f–k more shit up.
Always.”
“When someone says you’re one in a million, what they’re really saying is that there’s over 7000 people just like you.”
“Always believe that something wonderful will probably never happen.”
“Started from the bottom and still at the bottom.”
“The two most common elements in the universe are
hydrogen and stupidity.” – Harlan Ellison
“Your life only goes up so you can fall from a new height.”
“Mediocrity in your goals is the key to never falling short
of your expectations.”
“Perseverance is the ability to think you’re not an idiot despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary.”
“Life is mostly just learning how to lose.”
“It’s never too late to fail.”
“Life is pain. Anyone who says otherwise is
selling something.” – William Goldman
“Dream – the first thing people abandon when they understand
how the world works.”
“You’re only as good as your last f–k-up.”
“Be yourself. No one else wants to be you.”
“Eat healthy, stay fit, die anyway."
“You’re naturally funny because your life is a joke.”
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
“Why stand out when you’re born to blend in?”
“Have a great day! Or don’t ... no one cares.”
"It is what it is. And it’s not good.”
“The worst things in your life probably haven’t happened to you yet.”
“Go ahead and take risks – it gives the rest of us something
to laugh at.”
“Never worry what other people think of you
because no one ever thinks of you.” – Brian K. Vaughan
“Your life can’t fall apart if you never had it together.”
“I wouldn’t even settle for me, so why would you?”
“You don’t have haters. No one knows who you are.”
"Don’t start believin’.”
“There are plenty of fish in the sea, none of them want to
date you either.”
“Don’t be so humble –
you are not that great.” – Golda Meir
“There’s someone for everyone, except for you.”
“Be the piece of s–t you want to be, not the piece of s–t
everyone thinks you are.”
“There is no problem so big you can’t run away from it.”
“Have a mediocre weekend! You’ve earned it!”
“You are a background character in a much more interesting person’s story.”
“Try not to talk so much,
you’ll sound far less stupid that way.” – Brandon Sanderson
“Honesty is the best policy to pretend you believe in.”
“If your phone battery lasts all day, it’s because no one likes you.”
“Hard work pays off eventually, but laziness pays off now.”
“Always remember you’re someone’s reason to smile ... because you’re a joke.”
“Every morning wake up and scream your dreams into a garbage can where they belong.”
“If everything seems to be going well,
you have obviously overlooked something.” – Steven Wright
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If you enjoyed these, check out Pessimists Unite - a couple of dozen quotes focused on pessimism from folks like Warren Buffet, Seth Godin, and Mark Twain.
